Test Number 2

Hello loyal blog readers...

You know what never gets old?  Experimenting with social media.  And leaving an upper decker in the airport bathroom. http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Upper+Decker

Bet you had fun looking that one up. 

Anyways, it's time to run another social media test to find out who is reading my blog.  The last experiment was very successful and I'm not quite sure if I can live up to the standards that I have set for myself.  Other than faking my own death, the only other thing I could think of requires lots of skillful and timely status updates.  Let's call this: "Operation Bad Day." 

Part 1:  I am going to start the day by posting Nickelback lyrics as my status.  They're depressing, and no one has ever done that.

Part 2:  I found this picture of a Chihuahua that closely resembles my family's dog.  I'm going to write a short eulogy and post it with this picture.

No, I do not feel guilty for posting a picture of a random dog.  The only picture I could find of ours looks like this:

Part 3:  Since every depressing status contains some Nickelback quotes, I will start with a few of those again.  I will then proceed to talk about how my computer has broken, and I have decided that for reliability purposes I will now be purchasing a Mac.  I know, it's a very degenerate thing to say, but I'm hoping that it catches some of those haters off guard.  If anyone comments about how great their Mac is, they will definitely be deleted, because my friends don't use Apple.  What a brilliant name for a company.  If only their products worked as well as their naming conventions.  Yes, I'm talking about you tiger, lion, and East African jungle leopard.

Now, the same rules apply as before.  If anyone comments, likes, re-tweets, or unfriends me, then I know they do not regularly read my blog.  If it is strike 2 for them (I keep a list of people that have failed me) then I will be forced to deny them access to my already lame Facebook page.  Don't worry, I will still text you when there are blog updates.

-Nom

Figured out how to get a free tv....

This idea came to me a while back, and I've decided that I will go ahead and share it with you since I am a nice person.

Warning: I've never tried this, and I don't recommend it because it is probably frowned upon (kind of like tax fraud).

Now here is the flawless theory that I've devised.  It takes a little bit of work, but you can get a lot of free stuff from it!

Let's say that you want to buy a $1000 television, and you are not quite sure if you have the money.  No problem, you don't "really" need it.  The first thing you need to do is not tell anyone that you are doing this.  Step number two is to open up 2 different credit cards from 2 different banks, preferably one in Illinois and one in Israel.  The next step is my favorite... go purchase your new child.

Here is the sketchy/probably illegal/tricky part.  When it comes time to pay your $1000 credit card bill, go to an ATM and use your Israeli credit card to take out a $1000 cash advance.  Put it in your bank, and mail in the check to the Illinois credit card company.  Next month, repeat the same steps except you need to switch back and forth between banks.... forever.  It seems like a lot of work, but totally worth it.

Now, if you think someone is on to you there is only one way that you can get out of this debacle.  Open a third credit card at a different bank in another random country.  I would choose one that doesn't even have banks.  Or if you are really low, steal your sister's credit card and use that to pay it off permanently.

F-L-A-W-L-E-S-S

 -Nom

The Art of Trolling

If you saw the title of my blog and this image immediately came to your mind, then you MUST continue reading.  If you are a level 52 or higher internet troll, then you can go ahead and exit your browser because you have tested out of Trolling 101.

Let's start by defining the act of "trolling," from a legitimate source (Wikipedia): "someone who posts inflammatory, extraneous, or off-topic messages in an online community... with the primary intent of provoking readers."  Here is my definition of trolling: "purposely annoying the shit out of people to get a reaction."  I only have 1 major argument with Wikipedia's definition of trolling.  That is, you can totally troll people in real life.

The purpose of trolling is to say something outrageous, offensive, or just plain outrageously offensive to get someone to react.  If you get any reaction from them whatsoever, you have succeeded, and you can give your self a point.  Now, the difference between a n00b troll and a master troll is that a master troll will be able to carry on the trolling until the other person gives up.  Master trolls will always use lines like, "you mad?" or "you mad bro?"  Number 1 rule of trolling: never let down.  Once you have won the battle, always drop the line, "they see me trollin'... they hatin'..."

Now, let's not get this confused with being a "devil's advocate."  The purpose of a devil's advocate is to present an opposing opinion to enhance the discussion/conversation.  A troll throws stuff out there to piss people off.  There is a distinct line in the sand, so make sure you stay on the right side.

By now you're probably asking yourself about Nom's trolling capabilities. Here are a few examples from a master troll.

Well kids, I hoped you've learned a valuable lesson today.  Now get out there and troll the world!

TROLOLOLOLOL

-Nom

Happy Birthday Mr. Tichols!

If you're reading this blog post and have no idea what I'm talking about, please reference http://nomtichols.blogspot.com/2012/07/true-test.html.  It may explain why you wrote happy birthday on my wall only 320 days ago.  You, my friend, have a short term memory.

Wow.  I didn't know how this experiment would work, but I think I just made Einstein jealous.  Scratch that, I think he is dead.  As of this moment, I am to delete about 39 friends from my Facebook.  Ok, I may have added about 3 people that I wanted to get rid of anyways.  Question: should I feel guilty about the gifts that I received in the mail?  I just hope I'm not brought up on perjury charges...

Anyhow, I've learned some valuable lessons that I think you readers should know about.  If you ever feel down in the dumps, you can either watch an episode of Spongebob and realize your life isn't all that bad, or you can change your birthday on Facebook and watch your 'friends' explode all over your wall.  It was nice to hear from a lot of old friends, and some people that clearly have no idea who I am.

One of my favorite turn of events is that one of my friends read my blog post, and STILL wrote happy birthday on my wall.  I'm going to keep Bobby's name anonymous for now... but wow!  Did you set your facebook up to automatically generate a corny message on someone's wall when it's their birthday?  If he read it, and wrote happy birthday on my wall, then he clearly wants defriended.  Goodbye acquaintance.
 
The weirdest part of this whole thing is that my parents called to wish me a happy birthday.  Either they have forgotten the day on which I was born, or they no longer want anything to do with me.  Just going to pretend like that didn't happen.

Since I have a gentle and kind heart, I've decided that I will give all of my friends a second chance before you receive the axe.  Keep reading my blog, as there will be another test in the near future.  But you can only find out about it here, on the one and only nomtichols.blogspot.com.

-Nom

Nails on a Chalkboard

People often use the phrase "like nails on a chalkboard" to describe something that they find very unpleasant.  Well, my nails on a chalkboard is watching computer illiterate people try to navigate a computer.  You know what I'm talking about.  The kind of people that double click a hyperlink and wonder why two web browsers have opened.  And somehow, it's always the computer's fault.

I am convinced that hell is full of computer illiterate people attempting to turn on a computer, and everyone is required to be a spectator.  Spectators can only watch, and are not allowed to provide any input.  It's like a front row seat to the special olympics.

Anyways, if you know someone who would fit in this category, and you don't want to spend the rest of your life explaining that there is no "ANY" key on the keyboard, then you should convince them to buy a Mac.  Because we all know that even idiots can use Macs.

-Nom

A True Test

Hello everyone.

I have thought of something that really grinds my gears, and I have a perfect scenario to test this bad boy.  My theory: people aren't reading my blog.  Now, here's how I'm going to test it.

I have legally changed my birthday to July 11th by switching it on Facebook.  Please note: this is not my actual birthday.  Now, whoever writes "Happy Birthday" on my wall on July 11th either doesn't read my blog, or is not a real friend because they don't know when my actual birthday is.  I will remove them from my friend's list.  This is one of those rare win lose situations.

So, if you read this on a regular basis, do not write Happy Birthday on my wall until it is my real birthday.  Or, if you want to de-friend me on Facebook but don't have the balls, write happy birthday on my wall and see what happens.

-Nom

The Blogs Are Back In Town

Hello all of my loyal readers.  I apologize for my lack of blog posts in the last 23 years, specifically the last couple of months.  Due to popular demand (a.k.a 1 person asking what happened to my blog) I have decided to reincarnate nomtichols.blogspot.com.

Let me start by elaborating on one of my tweets from the other day...

@nomnomtichols: "There should be 6, 28 hour days in a week.  That way I don't feel as guilty when I sleep 13 hours a night.  Plus, there would be no Mondays."

Let's talk about this a bit.  I think this is the most brilliant idea I've ever had, next to running my golf clubs through the washing machine.  Imagine, the work week would be Tuesday - Friday, and when you get home from your 9-5 you still have time to paint your Star Wars figurines.  Now, you're probably asking yourself what the pros and cons are of this extraordinary idea.  Don't worry, I've broken them down for you.

Pros:
- Bars would be open later
- You have more time to drink when you are at a bar
- You would live longer because there are less days in a year (don't think about it, I already did the math)
- You could go to church on Sunday, take a long nap, and still not miss football
- Most importantly, we could eat 6 full meals a day instead of the normal 5

Cons:
- Probably none
- Everyone would be happier (this is actually a pro, just needed to expand the con list a little bit)

Now, if only we could get that stingy sun to cooperate...

-Nom