Monday, October 8, 2012

Horror Movie Spoiler

Hello,
  
*Spoiler Alert*  This is a 100% guaranteed cheat sheet to how 90% of horror movies play out.  If you are going to see a horror movie and don't want to know how it ends, then stop reading here.  But, if you are in college and you have nothing better to do than read some amateur blog posts, read on.


People that die:
 
1.  If you're black, you're dead.  This is not a racist statement, just a factual fact.  If anyone is racist, it's the film producers.  I'm just telling you what happens in horror movies.  For all you haters out there that say, "but but but what about Deep Blue Sea?  LL Cool J lives in that movie."  First of all, LL Cool J is barely in the 50 shades of black scale.  Plus, he's freaking jacked.  Secondly, that's not even a horror movie.  No more questions.

2.  Whenever you see underage teens partaking in adult beverages, then they are definitely scary man fodder.  I'm partially convinced that this is a government tactic to convince high-school kids not to drink.  Because everyone knows that if you drink before you are 21 then you will definitely be impaled by a lawnmower.

3.  If you see a girl's fun bags, then... well.. you're lucky.  Fortunate for you this happens in about 90% of all horror movies.  Probably because that is about the only reason people watch them in the first place.  Anyways, this dumb blonde ends up dying sometime in the movie.

4.  Closely related to point #3, if you were not fortunate enough to see said ta-tas, but the chick is  involved in fornication, she will also die.

5.  People over the age of 70 always die.  Don't know what it is.  Maybe it's a subliminal way of movie producers disapproving of Medicare.  But hey, if you're 70 years old might as well go out with a bang anyways... by having your head gnawed off by Freddy Von Jason.


More importantly, people that live:

Note: this is always a tricky category, because some horror movies like to pretend to be different and change things up.  Like, "OMG, that guy was so nice, why did he end up dying!?"

1.  The girl that denies anyone in bullets 2-4 above will most likely live; unless it was one of those dumb horror movies where everyone dies.  Kind of like 'The Departed.'  That's not actually a horror movie, but I hope I ruined the ending for someone.

2.  Mr. "I wanna be the hero" that tries to save everyone usually lives.  No one likes that guy, but if that's all you can do to survive, be that guy.  If I was in a horror movie, he would be the first guy I would send into that cave.

You were probably expecting more bullets in this category, but that's pretty much the end.  If you want to see a movie where everyone lives then go watch Finding Nemo.  Only Nemo's mom dies.

- Nom

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Random Thoughts...

Hello readers,

It's time for my monthly post that I keep forgetting to do.  I pretend to be very busy, but let me fill you in with a few thoughts of mine from the past couple of weeks.

I want to first start by talking about a conversation that I had with a friend that turned into pure brilliance.  This is for you Mr. Cul-de-sac (which in French literally means "butt of the sack").  Not kidding, Wikipedia it if you don't speak French.  Now I know why we still use the French phrase instead of the translated English phrase.  I totally want to live on a butt sack now.

Anyways, if you haven't heard of the game "Second Life," it's basically a nerd's place of escaping reality and pretending they have friends.  Seriously, you can play a video game that is a second life.  I've totally never played it, ok.  But if I did, I know what my second life would consist of.  I would load the game, and find the nearest computer.  Then, inside of Second Life, I would load the game Second Life, and play on that computer.  In that game, I would find another computer, and then load Second Life.  It's basically a "nerdception."  Not sure what to do after that, but it sounds like pure brilliance.

The next thing I'd like to share with you is a break up letter that I recently wrote.  You didn't know this, but I partook (<--- that's a word) in a 1/2 marathon yesterday, and decided that this needed to be written.




Dear Half Marathon,

I don't really know how to say this, but I think it's in my best interest if I never see you again.  To be honest, I knew things between you and I weren't going to work out within the first 30 seconds.  It was definitely downhill from there... and then uphill, and then downhill, and then uphill.  You suck.  Your curves are absolutely disgusting.  There was nothing fun about you.

I don't know what you did for the 2.5 hours we were together, but my nipples are extremely sore.  That was uncalled for.  Not to mention I can't feel from my ass to my feet.  I appreciate that.  Good luck ever finding anyone that likes you.  I was so depressed I ate like a pig after we met.  That's how bad you were.

Anyways, tell your sister, Full Marathon, that I will never be seeing her.  Heard that she's twice your size usually makes people piss blood afterwards.

Never again,

Nom