Horror Movie Spoiler

Hello,
  

*Spoiler Alert*  This is a 100% guaranteed cheat sheet to how 90% of horror movies play out.  If you are going to see a horror movie and don't want to know how it ends, then stop reading here.  But, if you are in college and you have nothing better to do than read some amateur blog posts, read on.

People that die:
 

1.  If you're black, you're dead.  This is not a racist statement, just a factual fact.  If anyone is racist, it's the film producers.  I'm just telling you what happens in horror movies.  For all you haters out there that say, "but but but what about Deep Blue Sea?  LL Cool J lives in that movie."  First of all, LL Cool J is barely in the 50 shades of black scale.  Plus, he's freaking jacked.  Secondly, that's not even a horror movie.  No more questions.

2.  Whenever you see underage teens partaking in adult beverages, then they are definitely scary man fodder.  I'm partially convinced that this is a government tactic to convince high-school kids not to drink.  Because everyone knows that if you drink before you are 21 then you will definitely be impaled by a lawnmower.

3.  If you see a girl's fun bags, then... well.. you're lucky.  Fortunate for you this happens in about 90% of all horror movies.  Probably because that is about the only reason people watch them in the first place.  Anyways, this dumb blonde ends up dying sometime in the movie.

4.  Closely related to point #3, if you were not fortunate enough to see said ta-tas, but the chick is  involved in fornication, she will also die.

5.  People over the age of 70 always die.  Don't know what it is.  Maybe it's a subliminal way of movie producers disapproving of Medicare.  But hey, if you're 70 years old might as well go out with a bang anyways... by having your head gnawed off by Freddy Von Jason.

More importantly, people that live:

Note: this is always a tricky category, because some horror movies like to pretend to be different and change things up.  Like, "OMG, that guy was so nice, why did he end up dying!?"

1.  The girl that denies anyone in bullets 2-4 above will most likely live; unless it was one of those dumb horror movies where everyone dies.  Kind of like 'The Departed.'  That's not actually a horror movie, but I hope I ruined the ending for someone.

2.  Mr. "I wanna be the hero" that tries to save everyone usually lives.  No one likes that guy, but if that's all you can do to survive, be that guy.  If I was in a horror movie, he would be the first guy I would send into that cave.

You were probably expecting more bullets in this category, but that's pretty much the end.  If you want to see a movie where everyone lives then go watch Finding Nemo.  Only Nemo's mom dies.

- Nom